Something horrific happened to me in January 2002, and the headlines with the words “Legitimate Rape” has really brought back the memories of that night and I feel the need to tell my story, so that other women who go through what I went through aren’t afraid to call it what it was, rape.
In late 2001 I was dating a guy, he was known as a super nice guy, he was fun to be around, he was also getting over his longtime girlfriend leaving him for her boss, so he was kind of clingy, by January 2002 I was ready to end things, but we were still having at good time and I didn’t see him as wanting more than that, so I was still hanging around him. I am not going to lie I was drinking and taking recreation drugs pretty much every day, I would have been considered a bad girl, and not exactly living a safe lifestyle.
One night after we came home from the bar we were pretty high and he suggested that we spark up our love life, which to be honest was on its last legs, by letting him tie me up. Now I like most girls had played with light bondage over the years, it is fun to allow someone either you or your partner to have complete control, but you trust them right? So I was game, he blindfolded me, and then he started to bind me, but not just my arms above my head, he really bound me, I was already a little scared and said so, he assured me we would stop if I was uncomfortable, so I relax a bit and decided I was not happy with it, it was hurting me, so I asked him to unite me, instead he rammed by head into the sofa, I can still remember the smell of it, and forced himself on me. Did I say no? I screamed “no please stop” over and over until he was done, I was crying, I was screaming in pain, and he wouldn’t listen, or he didn’t care. I was humiliated and he kept me tied up while he cleaned himself off, then he lied and said he used a condom and I got dressed and ran home. I have no idea why he did what he did, but standing crying in the shower I knew I had been raped, and raped by someone I trusted, raped by a man who claimed to care about me, not some faceless person, a face that had whispered nice things in my ears, a face I had looked on with affection had just stripped me of my dignity and my own control over my body. You can imagine that I stopped seeing him after that, avoiding everywhere he was, and he seemed to be avoiding me too. I didn’t speak of it, I just pretended that we broke up, because who would believe that this guy raped me, when we were dating, who would believe that someone who partied like I did, could be raped.
I was at my local bar with friends about 3 weeks later, when I started throwing up in the bathroom, now when I say I drank, I was not a drunk, I had about 2-3 drinks a night, it was more social, but I was a coke addict, that addiction and beating it, was the hardest thing I ever did and to this day I am not a big drinker, going out about 3 times a year now, to give you some background, so throwing up was not normal.
I went to the doctor and found out I was just pregnant, as in less than 6 weeks, as in the night he raped me, he lied about using a condom or lied about it breaking, somehow he had lied and I was pregnant. I was 29, I was single and the man, whose very face made me want to run into a corner and hide, had impregnated me. Do you think for a second I thought about having that thing growing inside of me, that constant reminder of my night of humiliation and pain and degradation? I made an appointment at the Morgentaler Clinic and decided that he deserved to know, he deserved to know because he was technically the father. I called him and told him what had happened, he blamed me, he said I should have been on the pill, he told me he lie about the condom because he didn’t want me to be upset with him. If he had of told me I could taken the morning after pill, I could have avoided this, so now not only has he raped me, but he lied to me and prevented me from taking steps to avoid what I was about to go through. Having an abortion is not something anyone takes lightly and if they do, they are not too bright. You are drugged and it hurts, no matter what anyone said it hurts so much, both mentally, physically and emotionally, the sounds, the bright lights, no matter how kind they are it hurts, and what hurts more is the conflicted feelings you have afterwards, the hormonal unbalance that it causes and the embarrassment of your friends knowing it happened. I told him that I had told my friends I had a cyst on my ovary, he let it “slip” that I was aborting his baby, leaving out how that “baby” was made. So now he had raped me, lied to me, gotten me pregnant and taken my right to privacy about how I was dealing with it away from me. To this day if I think I see him on the street my blood pressure rises and I feel all those feelings of hurt and humiliation and loss of control, until they pass and it is not him. Have I seen him again, of course that is the issue with date rape, he continued to be in my circle of friends until I changed that circle. I had one friend who unhelpfully kept trying to get us back together, unbeknownst to me, would invited him over to her house when I was there. Seeing him coming up the driveway, my heart would pound and I would just want to run and hide and cry. He hurt me so badly that to this day I have to be in control of all sexual situations, I am a married woman who can’t completely trust her husband, because it was someone I trusted who raped me.
If this had have happened to me in certain places I would not have been able to get rid of that mistake, the accident that never should have happened, that would have been a constant reminder of my humiliation and worse, kept his Father the man responsible for my inability to trust, my inability to enjoy my sex life, kept that man in my life for the next 18 years or longer, I would continue to be punished for something that was done to me, instead of given an alternative and allow me to try and heal from that horrible night.
When we throw around words like “Legitimate Rape” we make it sound like there is such a thing as “fake rape” and that is unfair to anyone who was raped by someone they trusted. Hearing no means no and hearing no please stop means you are raping someone. If someone violated your trust, and hurt you and forced you to do something you told them not to, it is rape and don’t think for a second that you asked for it or that it is not real, it is, it had consequences and it left very deep scars.